The death of my friend last spring and the subsequent death of one of my students (in a one car auto accident the day before school started) have given me a couple of intense perspective/reality checks this year. I have thought a lot about this and I want to ask the forum the following questions:
* Are all perspective builders derived from negative circumstances?
* What reality checks/perspective builders have my friends here on the board experienced, and what did they learn from them?
Looking for answers,
Dave
Great Perspective Builders
a perspective builder has to be something that shakes you up. it needn't be negative, but it has to be *traumatic*.
e.g. of a non-negative, but traumatic perspective builder:
when i was in jr. high, i had a group of friends who i hung out with regularly. my family was poor, and i didn't have money to do things w/ my friends, but if we did non-spendy things, i felt fine being with them. one day my friends sat me down and explained, after i had said i couldn't get pizza with them, that they understood that i couldn't afford my own pizza, they would buy it for me. i argued that that wasn't fair, i was supposed to pay my own way. they explained that paying extra was worth it to them for the pleasure of my company.
that floored me. i had no idea that people would want to spend time with me that much. that event altered my outlook on life. i now give when i can, and take when i must. i offer what i'm able to give freely, no more. but, i'm able to give alot because i have alot - friends, love, time.
and thinking of this now brings tears to my eyes. i have known some wonderful people.
e.g. of a non-negative, but traumatic perspective builder:
when i was in jr. high, i had a group of friends who i hung out with regularly. my family was poor, and i didn't have money to do things w/ my friends, but if we did non-spendy things, i felt fine being with them. one day my friends sat me down and explained, after i had said i couldn't get pizza with them, that they understood that i couldn't afford my own pizza, they would buy it for me. i argued that that wasn't fair, i was supposed to pay my own way. they explained that paying extra was worth it to them for the pleasure of my company.
that floored me. i had no idea that people would want to spend time with me that much. that event altered my outlook on life. i now give when i can, and take when i must. i offer what i'm able to give freely, no more. but, i'm able to give alot because i have alot - friends, love, time.
and thinking of this now brings tears to my eyes. i have known some wonderful people.
... name the stars and constellations,
count the cars and watch the seasons....
count the cars and watch the seasons....
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spooky girlfriend
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I don't think that all perspective comes from negative circumstances, they just seem to be the ones that get to us the most.
It is from the negative that our personalities are tested, and we see how much adversity we can deal with without going crazy. We are pushed to our limits and we begin to see our real strengths, weaknesses and true character. When things go positive for us it is easier for us to move on, put the situation behind us and forget what happened. I personally don't seem to learn as much from positive situations, except to not give up complete hope for the next time. At least that's been my own personal experience.
And even though I've had a lot happen to me the past couple of years, I know that it is worse for some people. I try to remember that. There's usually always someone in a worse situation that me.
It is from the negative that our personalities are tested, and we see how much adversity we can deal with without going crazy. We are pushed to our limits and we begin to see our real strengths, weaknesses and true character. When things go positive for us it is easier for us to move on, put the situation behind us and forget what happened. I personally don't seem to learn as much from positive situations, except to not give up complete hope for the next time. At least that's been my own personal experience.
And even though I've had a lot happen to me the past couple of years, I know that it is worse for some people. I try to remember that. There's usually always someone in a worse situation that me.
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Goody2Shoes
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Gee, pophead, it sounds like you've had a rough year. I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you.
To answer your question, I don't think that perspective comes only from negative situations. The biggest reality check I ever had came to me under the most joyful of circumstances, and that was the birth of my children; I think that most parents would say the same. The world seemed a much scarier place after my kids were born. I think that was when I finally understood that I could be an agent of great change in the world, for better or for worse; that the example I set for them is very powerful and really does matter to the world. I try to live how I would have them live; with tolerance, patience, empathy, and most of all, joy.
I have been fortunate to not have experienced a lot of pain in my life, or maybe it's just how you define pain. I work in a place where I see people at their most unfortunate and wretched (and, oddly, their most courageous) and I do think that has helped me gain a bit of perspective. I think that Poppet said that the situation has to be "big" to get your attention, and I would have to agree with that. I think that it doesn't always have to be your own "big thing". We all have much to learn from one another, if we pay attention.
I am not as articulate as I would like. I'm sure that some other board member could put it more eloquently than I have.
To answer your question, I don't think that perspective comes only from negative situations. The biggest reality check I ever had came to me under the most joyful of circumstances, and that was the birth of my children; I think that most parents would say the same. The world seemed a much scarier place after my kids were born. I think that was when I finally understood that I could be an agent of great change in the world, for better or for worse; that the example I set for them is very powerful and really does matter to the world. I try to live how I would have them live; with tolerance, patience, empathy, and most of all, joy.
I have been fortunate to not have experienced a lot of pain in my life, or maybe it's just how you define pain. I work in a place where I see people at their most unfortunate and wretched (and, oddly, their most courageous) and I do think that has helped me gain a bit of perspective. I think that Poppet said that the situation has to be "big" to get your attention, and I would have to agree with that. I think that it doesn't always have to be your own "big thing". We all have much to learn from one another, if we pay attention.
I am not as articulate as I would like. I'm sure that some other board member could put it more eloquently than I have.
It's a radiation vibe I'm groovin' on
One's perspective can be affected by good fortune and by bad.
For example, we (all of us on this board I imagine) have the good fortune to be living relatively comfortable lives while others on this planet struggle to make it through each day. Our good fortune (hopefully) makes us more aware of the plight of others and (even more hopefully) prompts us to do what we can for those less fortunate.
A major reality check moment for me was when a friend of mine was killed in the Bali bombing. This was a real wake-up call for me as far as the realisation that one's life can be snuffed out at any time and any place, and that you have absolutely no say in it... fortune, both good and bad, is fickle and as such should have no control over how we live our lives (whatever happens happens - I for one certainly do not believe that there is any deity/being that controls such things).
Enough of my incoherent ramblings for now
For example, we (all of us on this board I imagine) have the good fortune to be living relatively comfortable lives while others on this planet struggle to make it through each day. Our good fortune (hopefully) makes us more aware of the plight of others and (even more hopefully) prompts us to do what we can for those less fortunate.
A major reality check moment for me was when a friend of mine was killed in the Bali bombing. This was a real wake-up call for me as far as the realisation that one's life can be snuffed out at any time and any place, and that you have absolutely no say in it... fortune, both good and bad, is fickle and as such should have no control over how we live our lives (whatever happens happens - I for one certainly do not believe that there is any deity/being that controls such things).
Enough of my incoherent ramblings for now
Good events (like Poppet's very touching story above) can be reality checks, but I think there's something about most of us that tends to make sad or tragic events more powerful -- which isn't right, but is what it is.
I just had one of those moments myself, about an hour ago. I just found out through her ex-husband that one of my best high school friends is partially crippled due to the onset of M.S.
I haven't had the chance to talk to her yet, but when someone your own age has a challenge like that to face (and she has a couple of teenage kids and is far from well off), it does make you think.
I just had one of those moments myself, about an hour ago. I just found out through her ex-husband that one of my best high school friends is partially crippled due to the onset of M.S.
I haven't had the chance to talk to her yet, but when someone your own age has a challenge like that to face (and she has a couple of teenage kids and is far from well off), it does make you think.
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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bambooneedle
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costellopunk
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i'm starting to think that perspective builders have to come from negative experiences. if everything is hunky dory we don't feel a need to change our perspectives. than there are idiots like me who just don't learn when their world falls apart. my wife took off. my son of three years turned out to not be mine. i almost died. a good friend of mine just tried to kill his lousy self. and i'm still making all the same mistakes and thinking exactly the way i always have. i still believe that all love should be unconditional and everyone should be brutally honest. i still love my wife, my son, and my friend. all these people who have done nothing but let me down. my perspective has only changed in that i see people for what they are now instead of what i think they could be.
-it takes a long time but god dies too/but not before he sticks it to you-
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Copenhagen Fan
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A lot of tough stuff to contemplate....
I would have to say that my Building Experience was when after a perfect exsistence with my Danish wife in the U.S. for over 7 years, that the ensuing personal destruction for me when she dragged me to Denmark and then changed her personality and shut me out emotionally changed my perspective on life. Life is short....nothing is in the bag, you must be strong and fight for love, even if you are crushed or vulnerable. I also realized that I was with the wrong woman, that she could never stimulate me or accept my real self, only the parts she could relate to. SO why live the pipedream if it is not real. I now require 100% openness, honesty and full communication with my new girlfriend, which has shown us both much about what real love is about.....acceptance and support. The acceptance of each other's real emotional needs without rejection. Now, one could say that I got burned and learned nothing....I think I learned that you gotta lay it on the line 100%.
I would have to say that my Building Experience was when after a perfect exsistence with my Danish wife in the U.S. for over 7 years, that the ensuing personal destruction for me when she dragged me to Denmark and then changed her personality and shut me out emotionally changed my perspective on life. Life is short....nothing is in the bag, you must be strong and fight for love, even if you are crushed or vulnerable. I also realized that I was with the wrong woman, that she could never stimulate me or accept my real self, only the parts she could relate to. SO why live the pipedream if it is not real. I now require 100% openness, honesty and full communication with my new girlfriend, which has shown us both much about what real love is about.....acceptance and support. The acceptance of each other's real emotional needs without rejection. Now, one could say that I got burned and learned nothing....I think I learned that you gotta lay it on the line 100%.