Jokes

[so lacklustre]

What do you call a black man flying a jet plane?














































A pilot, you racist bastard!

[Who Shot Sam?]

[Gillibeanz]

Bad taste jokes? Love em!!


Whats brown and half eaten?

The pope's easter egg



How does a mathematician cure his constipation?

He works it out with a pencil



How does Noah clean out his ark?

Poo by poo


Whats brown and sticky and found in a baby's nappy?

Michael Jacksons hand



Somebody stop me before it's too late.......

[Who Shot Sam?]

Whats brown and sticky and found in a baby's nappy?

Michael Jacksons hand

Shouldn't that be deathly white and sticky?

[Tim(e)]

Some trueisms:

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood, specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

[Goody2Shoes]

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

But you're pretty sure where not to look!

[Otis Westinghouse]

Did you hear the one about the FA Cup final that went to penalties?

[miss buenos aires]

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

But you're pretty sure where not to look!

I know exactly where to look, and how (lasciviously).

[invisible Pole]

Some classic AND authentic (I’m being told) "gems" from TV commentators :

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green".
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this".James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

[Otis Westinghouse]

[Gillibeanz]

Sports commentators & sporting pundits :-


Ted Walsh: Horse Racing Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Harry Carpenter: at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

David Pleat: talking about Robert Pires: "Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending on who's facing him"

Howard Wilkinson: "Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem".


Sporting Life: Willie Carson, riding his 180th winner of the season, spent the last two furlongs looking over one shoulder, then another, even between his legs, but there was nothing there to worry him.


Ted Lowe: "Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age; too old to get his leg over, so he prefers to use his left hand."


Frank Bruno: "I was in no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."

Alan Minter: "Sure there has been injuries and deaths in boxing... but none of them serious."


Marion Starling:"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."


Radio 1 Newsbeat: 'Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and skillful. And best of all it keeps them off the street.'


Sam Torrance: "If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have been all over you."


Mark Draper: Aston Villa footballer:"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."


David Acfield: Footballer : "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer."


John Greig:"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve. "Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."


Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


Peter Jones: "Ian Rush is deadly 10 times out of 10, but that wasn't one of them."

[Jackson Monk]

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

But you're pretty sure where not to look!

I know exactly where to look, and how (lasciviously).

Ms BA...stop it please...i'm getting all flustered!

[ReadyToHearTheWorst]

FAX: To My Dear Wife,

"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".


When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

"My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.

"As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow".

[invisible Pole]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "'Mississippi'".

[Copenhagen Fan]

What do hillbillies do on Halloween????????













PUMP KIN

[LittleFoole]

A toothless termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

[bambooneedle]

A guy walking along the side of a river yells out to another guy on the other side, "How do you get to the other side of the river?" He yells back, "You ARE on the other side of the river".

[Mr. Average]

A man entered a pet shop to browse the exotic birds. A beautiful Blue and Gold Macaw caught his attention as the bird seemed to be very fluent with a good vocabulary. "I love you" the bird said. "I'm Hungry! Feed Me!" was followed by "I'm Pretty Bird". The gentleman was so enamored with the bird that he asked the shopkeeper the cost, to which he recieved a suprising reply. The shopkeeper offered the bird at no charge, cage included, and even offered to 'throw-in' two large macaw toys with the deal. Perplexed but quite pleased, the man accepted the generous offer and took the bird home.

No sooner did the bird enter the mans home that it began to swear a blue streak. "Screw you, you godamm sonofabitch" "Up Yours, Up Yours, you silly Bastard", and "F*** You, you Mother f***er." The man and his family were astonished to hear such foul language coming from the beak of their new pet, but an attempt to return the bird to the shopkeeper was refused with "All Sales Final-No Returns".

After the bad behaviour continued for a week, the family was exhausted, embarrassed, and had enough. The man warned the bird: "If you swear once more, there will be dire consequences", to which the macaw retorted "Eat Shit!". The man throttled the bird and threw it into the freezer, and stood back to see the refidgerator freezer rock left and right, too and fro, as the parrot careened off the sides in a wild fit of anger, cursing all the while.

After a time, the cursing abated, and the freezer became still. No cursing, no movement. After another two minutes, the man gingerly opened the freezer. The ice-encrusted bird slowly stepped out onto the man's extended finger, gently thanked him for freeing him, and apologizing for his bad behaviour, insisting that it would never happen again. The man accepted the apology, and as he was placing the thawing bird back onto its perch, the bird politely inquired if it could ask one more question before 'closing' the incident. The man complied.

The bird asked: " I understand that I was wrong, and it won't happen again. But, do me a favor and tell me -"

" What the hell did the chicken say?"

[LittleFoole]

A string walks into a local pub looking for a cold brew, and the bartender says, "Say, you're one of those strings...get out - we don't serve your kind here !!!". this scene was repeated over and over, so the string decides he shall succed in getting a cold one from his local pub. He proceed to go home and give himself a "makeover" of sorts. Teased his "hair", tied it into a big knot, teased it some more - surely he wouldn't be ecognized as a string. so string proceeds to the local pub, sits down, and the bartender says "Say, you look familiar...haven't I seen you in here before - you're one of those strings, aren't you ???" To which string replies....................













"Nope...I'm a-frayed knot................." *groan*..I know, I know, it's bad - what do ya want for free ??

[miss buenos aires]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[El Vez]

One that a fellow board member told me once.

Q. What did the tampon and the sorority girl say to the Rabbi?

A. Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts!

It was a female board member, btw. Hopefully that little addendum will keep me from being dipped in Burts Beeswax and thrown to the lesbians.

[miss buenos aires]

One that a fellow board member told me once.

Q. What did the tampon and the sorority girl say to the Rabbi?

A. Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts!

It was a female board member, btw. Hopefully that little addendum will keep me from being dipped in Burts Beeswax and thrown to the lesbians.

What an ass joke. I am offended and will be until the day I die.

[El Vez]

coughcoughyoutoldittome!coughcough

[bambooneedle]

What's long and round and shoots and has semen in it?

A submarine. Semen sounds like 'sea men', get it?


I always know when I'm going to get a laugh out of that one.

[selfmademug]

Q. Why do mice have such small balls?



A. Because so few of them know how to dance.