The World Will Still Keep Turning

[double dutchess]

About a year ago, I saw the movie "Last Orders". For me, the most important point of that film was the notion that every life is extraordinary.

Yesterday I found out that my ex-boyfriend's mother died of a brain tumor. I received an email from my ex two Wednesdays ago informing me that she was in a coma (this was in response to my query about some stuff I left at his house), and ever since I've been looking at obituaries from their local major newspaper online. Last night I looked her up on their small local paper, and found a short article about her. She passed away September 5. I feel terrible for her family. She really was an amazing woman, one I admired a great deal. I'm worried sick about her son, but he knows I'm here if he needs me.

I've had time to digest this information, although it still saddnes me a great deal. Sometimes I feel so overcome I need to sit down. But mostly it has made me re-evaluate a lot of things.

I don't mean to depress anyone. Rather, I hope to remind everyone of how fortunate we are. Sadly, I had lost sight of that. But, hopefully, no more. The point of this thread is this: take care of yourselves. And love each other. That's all.

[A rope leash]

My brother looks like a victim from a Nazi concentration camp. His thighs are about as big around as a baseball bat. Last week, he stepped on a toothpick, and it became so infected that it eventually required surgery.

He's dying soon, and I know it, and he knows it. I'm having trouble convincing some of my siblings, though. They won't even bother to visit him. Why? Petty disagreements, fear of association, and moralistic disgust. I won't go into details, we all know who these people are.

While these kinfolks go on with thier selfish lives, I am tempted to just drop my job and spend my last dime to make what's left of his life more enjoyable. My siblings believe in what they've been told by the Leviathan, that homosexuality goes against God, and that homosexuality is a "sin of choice". They really don't experience life, they hear about it on the radio, and watch it on television. There is nothing "extraordinary" about thier lives that I can see. They've never really spent any time with my brother, basically out of fear of being a gay "symphathizer", or out of fear that they themselves will be labled as "queer". They can already be honestly labled with such terms as "bigot", "racist", and "thief", and in some cases, I'm sorry to say, they can be labled "child molester". That's okay, though, because it can all be Biblically justified, but being a "fag", or being associated with a "fag", is just something they couldn't survive. It's a shame about sibling love, because sometimes I hate these fucks with all my heart.

So, I diss my family and put it out on the ether, knowing that nobody really gives a shit. It's amazing how awful one's own flesh and blood can be in one's time of crisis.

My brother will not allow me to just inflict myself upon our siblings and their attitudes. In fact, I am continually surprised at his attitude about the whole trap he's in. Life is too short for fighting, and for trying to change things, he says. He never whines or cries about his situation, though I am finding myself shedding tears over his imminent demise, and the waste of his promise. I've asked him about it, about how he can be so brave and stoic about his condition, and he simply says that he doesn't really want to live in this world, and that every day just brings another example of how fucked up human beings are, and he's tired of seeing it. He can't change it, and neither can I, and very frankly, I really have become quite weary of the ignorance and stupidity of the average person, and while I'm not exactly ready to die, when I do go I'll go with the knowledge that I did what little I could with what little impact I have to change the minds of all the small thinkers I have come across in the travels of my life.

People ask me, you know, "how's your brother?" When I say he's dying, they give me the sympathy thing. Then they ask, "what's wrong with him?", and when I say it's AIDS, they invariably recoil, as if I might be a carrier. Some will continue to ask questions, mostly "how did he get it?" They often add the out: "Drugs?" or "Blood transfusion?". I just tell them, no, he's gay. They seem shocked that I would admit that, and display no shame. I sometimes feel like blurting out: "Yes! He recieved the virus from an infected lover that fucked him in the ass! Is that what you want to know?! Did you know he was also a Marine? Do you care about his career as a pole-climber? No? You're just fascinated by the fag stuff, ain't ya?!"

My other brother, the deacon, has pretty much rendered his judgement on the subject. Our brother is going to Hell, and nothing short of a major repentance in the blood of Jesus Christ will save him. He says he has no time to spend with him, as if he couldn't take a personal day and drive the twenty miles to visit. While it is a sweet sweet sentiment to say that we should take care of each other and love one another, the simple fact of the matter is that many of the people in my life are just extremely hard to have any affection for at all. If I died in the next minute, at least I could say that I wouldn't have to put up with the likes of them anymore...

Love thy brother, they say... (but not THAT way!)



...if I'm lost or I'm forgiven
the birds will still be singing

[SoLikeCandy]

If there is a God, he or she will judge those who have done wrong against their fellow man. Using God to punish others--especially family--is horrible. Your brother is a very lucky guy to have you, and he's even luckier, really, to leave this earth knowing that despite what his "family" tells him, he is worthy of love.

You're a strange and wonderful man, Leash.

[Poppet]

rope, give your brother a kiss for me. 'cause there are people i love who i can't kiss anymore, and they should have gotten more while they were here.

my aunt dean sent me an email, she says she's on oxygen most every day now. i'm considering how i'm gonna get down there to visit. she's an amazing person, and i need to spend more time with her.

not everyone is worthy of your love. you do the best you can, and love as much as you're able.

everybody take care, okay?

[Gillibeanz]

DUTCHESS: I was sorry to read your post. Sometimes we need to hear about things like this to make us stop and think about our own lives and those we love. We let trivial stuff get in the way too much over things that really matter. I hope you feel better soon.

ROPE: Your post made me feel sick. Not because your brother is a homosexual but because of the way he is being treated by other members of your family. Your brother who is the deacon should know better- seems to me its the religious folk who are the first to cast stones... My ex father in law is a lay preacher. I remember a conversation we had one evening when he was going on about 'gays' saying they will all burn in hell. I asked him this question "If a man is gay but spends his life being kind to others and doing good deeds will he still go to hell?" The answer came back "yes". I told him his god was not the same as mine.

I really cant believe God would send a person to hell for a sexual preference that is no fault of their own. If so , so called 'normal people' ie 'straight people' will all go to heaven then - even if they are dabbling in god knows what perversions sexually just cos its between a man and woman? So its ok for a man and woman to have anal sex but not 2 men then? BULL!

Im so glad you are there for your brother Rope - its at times like this when you find out who really loves you. Give him a big hug for me and tell him i'll be praying for him - and if god does send him to hell then I dont want to go to heaven cos it will be full of hypocrisy!

[noiseradio]

Rope,

Remind your brother that deacon means servant. Literally waiter. Then tell him to screw himself for me.

[spooky girlfriend]

DD: I'm so sorry. Things like that really do put your own existence back into perspective sometimes. You know I'm here for you and I look forward to meeting you next month when I travel up that way.

Rope: I've lost a brother too. Not the same way - so I don't know how that part feels. But I do know how it feels to bury a brother. I only had the one sibling so now I don't have any. Unfortunately it sounds like you're almost in the same boat, since none of your other siblings are proving to be useful in any way. It is shameful that people who call themselves Christians can have attitudes that go against everything they are supposed to be exemplifying.

Go with your gut, Rope. Do what you feel you want to and/or need to do for and with your brother. I got no notice my brother was going to die - I would have done so many things differently had I known. Someone should also remind your family that there are many more humiliating ways to die - like being a hypocrite.

[bobster]

DD --

I keep saying "carpe diem" type stuff with all these deaths that keep coming up lately. Time for me and everyone to actually start carpeying a little....

ARL --

People like this are the kind of folks who give religion a bad name. All you can do is hope that they're realize that (and I say this as a total nonbeliever) that Jesus is saved to have healed with lepers and saved an adultress from being stoned to death. I believe the words "he who is without sin" come to mind. Amazing how many Christians like to ignore that part of their own gospel.

Of course, that part of Jesus's life is hard to reconcile that with a God who sends people to eternal torment not only for a sexual preference but for a simple disagreement. No doubt your family also believes that even the most observant of Jews are going to hell. That probably goes double for Moslems. As for Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists/Agnostics, Neopagans, Sikhs no matter how virtuous etc., fuggetaboutit. They're post-mortem Nazis, as far as I'm concerned. (Thank God they're willing to wait for the afterlife to have their revenge.)

One thing I like about the religion of my upbringing -- Jews never talk about hell. (Even heaven is a marginal issue.) Maybe because a lot of theologians think it's a post-Biblical, middle-ages concept. Satan isn't a total bad guy in the Old Testament. He's the tempter and enemy of man, but not neccesarily the enemy of God.

According to classical Judaism (well, at least according to a book I read in my Jewish Studies class), all gentiles have to be "saved" -- whatever that may mean -- is refrain from murder, theivery, adultery and that's about it. Well, there is one dietary law for gentiles, no eating parts of animals that are currently alive. (So stay away from those living monkey brains, folks, tempting though they are. Don't know how this applies to oysters on the half shell. I guess it's okay if you stab it first with your little cocktail fork.)

Of course, even the most hellfire and brimstone preacher would still have your family talk to your brother for God's sake -- to try and lovingly convert them. So, even by their own standards they are hypocrites and will have to answer to their maker for that.

I'm tempted to go about this, but I don't want just to feed the fires of your incredibly justified anger. My only advice is to concentrate on loving your brother and helping him make the most of these days.

[A rope leash]

Thanks to all who are sharing my pain. I've been needing to talk about this situation, and DD's thread here seemed like a good place.

My brother the deacon has kept a distance from the rest of the family since he married into his church years ago. He's always looked down on the rest of us, and even though most of my other siblings are also Christian, they just haven't been Christian enough for him, or the right kind of Christian.

I'm working with my Buddhist sister, trying to get everyone togther before the death occurs, but there's already been some really unnecessary sniping over this, and I just don't get where all the sensitivity is coming from. My anger tends to come to the fore rather quick, especially when my simple request that they visit with their sick brother is greeted with pious shrugs of indifference.

I told my oldest brother, you know, "next time you see Mike he might be in a casket". He said, "yeah".

He was watching a movie.

Thanks, guys...