God told me I had to send my butt back because it had a crack in it.
Jokes
An eighty year old runs into a confessional.
"What is your sin?"
"I've been shtupping an 18 year old girl every day this week!"
"'Shtup'...excuse me. Are you Jewish?"
"Yeah."
"So why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
"What is your sin?"
"I've been shtupping an 18 year old girl every day this week!"
"'Shtup'...excuse me. Are you Jewish?"
"Yeah."
"So why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everybody!"
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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Otis Westinghouse
- Posts: 8856
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 3:32 pm
- Location: The theatre of dreams
Q: What do Michael Jackson and whisky have in common?
A: They both come in tots.
(Not that new, I know, but at least it's topical...)
A: They both come in tots.
(Not that new, I know, but at least it's topical...)
Last edited by Otis Westinghouse on Wed Jun 08, 2005 6:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more
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Boy With A Problem
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 9:41 pm
- Location: Inside the Pocket of a Clown
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Otis Westinghouse
- Posts: 8856
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 3:32 pm
- Location: The theatre of dreams
(Disclaimer: a female friend told me this, and it's the only joke she can ever remember, from her teenage years. I take no responsibility, I am merely a conduit between her and you.)
Three nuns go into a bar. One says:
'My "hole" is so big, I can stick a cucumber into it.'
The barman says:
'No! Go on then.'
And she does. [cue sound effects]
The second nun says:
'Pah! I can stick a gin bottle into mine.'
The barman says:
'Nooo!!!' And hands her the fattest one litre bottle on his bar.
And she does. [cue increased sound effects]
Meanwhile, the third nun had just slid down her barstool...
Three nuns go into a bar. One says:
'My "hole" is so big, I can stick a cucumber into it.'
The barman says:
'No! Go on then.'
And she does. [cue sound effects]
The second nun says:
'Pah! I can stick a gin bottle into mine.'
The barman says:
'Nooo!!!' And hands her the fattest one litre bottle on his bar.
And she does. [cue increased sound effects]
Meanwhile, the third nun had just slid down her barstool...
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more
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Gillibeanz
- Posts: 1697
- Joined: Wed Jun 11, 2003 1:28 pm
- Location: England
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
COME ON YOU SPURS!!
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Gillibeanz
- Posts: 1697
- Joined: Wed Jun 11, 2003 1:28 pm
- Location: England
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung
Two Arsenal fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says "Hey Arthur! If this plane turns upside-down will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate "of course we'll still be pals!!"
Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
Who gives a fuck!
What do Man United fans use as birth control?
Their personalities.
and just to prove im not against having a joke poked at me....
The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Spurs are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"
Two Arsenal fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says "Hey Arthur! If this plane turns upside-down will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate "of course we'll still be pals!!"
Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
Who gives a fuck!
What do Man United fans use as birth control?
Their personalities.
and just to prove im not against having a joke poked at me....
The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Spurs are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"
COME ON YOU SPURS!!
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double dutchess
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 11:01 am
- Location: New York
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selfmademug
Nice to see you here, DD!
Similar one that requires a good Mickey Mouse impersonation:
Mickey Mouse faces the judge in divorce court. Judge says, "Now, Mr. Mouse, I understand you are requesting a divorce from your wife Minnie on the grounds that she is insane." Mickey, indignant, answers [in your best Mickey voice], "Your honor, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Similar one that requires a good Mickey Mouse impersonation:
Mickey Mouse faces the judge in divorce court. Judge says, "Now, Mr. Mouse, I understand you are requesting a divorce from your wife Minnie on the grounds that she is insane." Mickey, indignant, answers [in your best Mickey voice], "Your honor, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Q: What's the proof that Jesus Christ was Jewish?
A: He lived at home until he was 30, he went into his dad's business, and his mom thought he was God.
A: He lived at home until he was 30, he went into his dad's business, and his mom thought he was God.
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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ReadyToHearTheWorst
- Posts: 956
- Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2003 5:44 am
- Location: uk
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selfmademug
Wasn't that on a recent South Park...or the Simpsons...or am I dreaming in comedy now? Did the joke predate the cartoon? Answers...I need answers!El Vez wrote:Q. What's the only thing that can kill a giant, concrete Abraham Lincoln?
A. A giant, concrete John Wilkes Boothe
http://www.forwardtoyesterday.com -- Where "hopelessly dated" is a compliment!
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so lacklustre
- Posts: 3183
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 2:36 pm
- Location: half way to bliss
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Otis Westinghouse
- Posts: 8856
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 3:32 pm
- Location: The theatre of dreams
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bambooneedle
- Posts: 4533
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 4:02 pm
- Location: a few thousand miles south east of Zanzibar
Shopping queues
I was in one today and found myself calling out "get some more people out here!" in almost uncomfortably Rocky Balboa style. Disgusted at the all round apathy, I had words with the acting "manager". "Aw, we had some employees call in sick". My ass-- what about the bag-packers, hadn't they been trained to press a few buttons?! Considered leaving the trolley and slipping away in disgust, only happened to be even hungrier than I'd become impatient. Sometimes I go in the 12 items or less-ers in protest at the all-round sheeplike apathy with 20 items+ armed with something like "I'm not queuing for half a bloody hour, they should have on more people", but there was a moshpit waiting there. Ended up lining up in one of the three 10 trolley queues dog-earing their tabloid mags.
I was in one today and found myself calling out "get some more people out here!" in almost uncomfortably Rocky Balboa style. Disgusted at the all round apathy, I had words with the acting "manager". "Aw, we had some employees call in sick". My ass-- what about the bag-packers, hadn't they been trained to press a few buttons?! Considered leaving the trolley and slipping away in disgust, only happened to be even hungrier than I'd become impatient. Sometimes I go in the 12 items or less-ers in protest at the all-round sheeplike apathy with 20 items+ armed with something like "I'm not queuing for half a bloody hour, they should have on more people", but there was a moshpit waiting there. Ended up lining up in one of the three 10 trolley queues dog-earing their tabloid mags.
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invisible Pole
- Posts: 2228
- Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2004 2:20 pm
- Location: Poland
This is a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that"
"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" [Pause ...]. "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home." Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that"
"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" [Pause ...]. "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home." Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"
If you don't know what is wrong with me
Then you don't know what you've missed
Then you don't know what you've missed
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Who Shot Sam?
- Posts: 7097
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 5:05 pm
- Location: Somewhere in the distance
- Contact:
Politically incorrect but here goes:
Stevie Wonder played Tokyo and asked the crowd for any requests. A little gentleman stands up and shouts 'Play us a jazz chord'. Stevie, surprised at the man's obvious knowledge of his music's roots, promptly plays an E chord and a little jazz riff.
'Any more requests says Stevie? 'Yes' says the same man 'Play us a jazz chord'. A bit peeved but wanting to impress Stevie launches into a great ten minute jazz improvisation.
Afterwards he says 'Right, any final requests?' The same guy stands up again and shouts 'Play us a jazz chord'! Stevie, angry by this time shouts, 'Look if you can do any better, get up here now and do it yourself!" The little man climbs onto the stage and grabs Stevie's microphone and sings:
'A Jazz Chord To Say I Ruv You'
*ducks to avoid flying tomatoes*
Stevie Wonder played Tokyo and asked the crowd for any requests. A little gentleman stands up and shouts 'Play us a jazz chord'. Stevie, surprised at the man's obvious knowledge of his music's roots, promptly plays an E chord and a little jazz riff.
'Any more requests says Stevie? 'Yes' says the same man 'Play us a jazz chord'. A bit peeved but wanting to impress Stevie launches into a great ten minute jazz improvisation.
Afterwards he says 'Right, any final requests?' The same guy stands up again and shouts 'Play us a jazz chord'! Stevie, angry by this time shouts, 'Look if you can do any better, get up here now and do it yourself!" The little man climbs onto the stage and grabs Stevie's microphone and sings:
'A Jazz Chord To Say I Ruv You'
*ducks to avoid flying tomatoes*
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick
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verbal gymnastics
- Posts: 13645
- Joined: Wed Jun 11, 2003 6:44 am
- Location: Magic lantern land
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selfmademug
Picking up where Invisible Pole left off, here are some announcements conductors on the NYC subway have made to their passengers:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the B train. B like, like, like, um, brothel."
"Look, people. Okay. When we say "stay clear of the closing doors", that means don't push a closing door back open. Don't stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don't hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn't rocket science. God, it's not even high school science."
"Borough Hall. Next stop, Heaven...excuse me, Nevins."
"We're experiencing some slight delays. There seems to be a power outage in the station. Or on the tracks. Or there might be an Amtrak line down. You should probably get off now and take the PATH. And if you didn't hear this message the other three times, I'll be saying it again in 30 seconds."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're on Track A, which is normally an eastbound track. We're waiting for written instructions to depart. They're probably making copies for us right now. Thank you for your patience."
"The way this train is moving you'd be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown."
"There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don't pee on the seats people."
"This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St...by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick."
"Ladies and gentlemen, all cars on this train are going to final destination: Parkchester. All cars will be making all stops."
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the B train. B like, like, like, um, brothel."
"Look, people. Okay. When we say "stay clear of the closing doors", that means don't push a closing door back open. Don't stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don't hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn't rocket science. God, it's not even high school science."
"Borough Hall. Next stop, Heaven...excuse me, Nevins."
"We're experiencing some slight delays. There seems to be a power outage in the station. Or on the tracks. Or there might be an Amtrak line down. You should probably get off now and take the PATH. And if you didn't hear this message the other three times, I'll be saying it again in 30 seconds."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're on Track A, which is normally an eastbound track. We're waiting for written instructions to depart. They're probably making copies for us right now. Thank you for your patience."
"The way this train is moving you'd be better off on a bicycle. Next stop is Broadway-Lafayette, where transfer to the 6 is downtown only for reasons unknown."
"There are bathrooms located in every other train car. And again, please don't pee on the seats people."
"This is the F train to Manhattan, next stop York St...by the way, you just missed your connection with the C train. When I miss my connection, it just makes me sick."
"Ladies and gentlemen, all cars on this train are going to final destination: Parkchester. All cars will be making all stops."
He actually called to tell me the below, that was just an extra.selfmademug wrote:Tallulah's boyfriend called her at work just to tell her this dorky joke. And that is why we love him.
Have you heard about corduroy pillow cases? They're making headlines.
Have you heard about the guy with five penises?
His pants fit like a glove.
*rimshot!*
And I was happy to be alive, in a magic world.
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Gillibeanz
- Posts: 1697
- Joined: Wed Jun 11, 2003 1:28 pm
- Location: England
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed when the husband hands his wife a glass if water and 2 asprins. Looking puzzled his wife asks "What have you given me this for"?
"It's for your headache darling " he replies
"But I haven't got a headache " she says
"GOTCHA!!!" he replies.
Masochist : "Beat me, hurt me !"
Sadist : "No never"!
"It's for your headache darling " he replies
"But I haven't got a headache " she says
"GOTCHA!!!" he replies.
Masochist : "Beat me, hurt me !"
Sadist : "No never"!
COME ON YOU SPURS!!
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Who Shot Sam?
- Posts: 7097
- Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 5:05 pm
- Location: Somewhere in the distance
- Contact: