Jokes

This is for all non-EC or peripheral-EC topics. We all know how much we love talking about 'The Man' but sometimes we have other interests.
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El Vez
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Postby El Vez » Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:03 pm

A comedian did this joke shortly after Laurence Olivier died, which was roughly fifteen years ago. I don't recall the comedian and the joke is painted from memory but here it goes -

"Lord Laurence Olivier, The World's Greatest Actor, died the other day. Do you know what that means? It means that every other actor in the world just moved up a notch. So, Marlon Brando is the new #1 and the kid from The Stuff is now #3,426."

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tallulah
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Postby tallulah » Thu Dec 01, 2005 2:38 pm

Told to me today by my boy who is a drummer.

"How do you know the stage is level?"





"Drool comes out both sides of the drummers mouth."

:lol:
And I was happy to be alive, in a magic world.

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Wed Dec 14, 2005 12:42 pm

Christmas carols for the mentally ill...

Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Fri Dec 23, 2005 12:43 am

To: All Al Qaeda Fighters

From: Osama Bin Laden

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Steve.

Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick

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El Vez
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Postby El Vez » Fri Dec 23, 2005 8:24 am

This is one that I've done before but it's so bad that I thought it worth revisiting.

What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:45 pm

A couple of jokes, in very poor taste (apologies in advance)...

An old man and an old woman are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went around the corner behind the factory, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old folks go at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two near the factory. The little old lady pulls off her underwear and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could f*** like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The old man and old woman have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the old man.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody f*** like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you do that 50 years ago?"

The old man replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."


And the other one...

Two old hobos are walking along a railway line when hobo number one says to the other, "This is my lucky line!"

"Why's that?" enquires the second hobo.

"Well I was walking along here last week and found a huge hamper filled to the brim with fine food and wine, and had myself the finest meal of my whole life!"

Not to be outdone the second hobo then proclaims, "Well this is my lucky line as well because the other day I came across a beautiful naked woman bound to the track. I untied her and we had incredible sex all day long!"

"That is incredible!" says the first hobo and asks, "Did she give you a blowjob?"

To which the second hobo answers, "No. I couldn't find her head"
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick

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ReadyToHearTheWorst
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Postby ReadyToHearTheWorst » Fri Apr 07, 2006 7:20 am

More bad taste (apologies in advance)




Apparently, Gene Pitney's coffin would take 3 weeks to make from oak, but only 24 hours from balsa ...
"I'm the Rock and Roll Scrabble champion"

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El Vez
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Postby El Vez » Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:37 am

An old man is sitting on his front porch, talking to his new next door neighbor.

"You know, I was a farmer for sixteen years. Sixteen years. And in all that time, not one person ever called me Farmer John. I was a policeman for seven years and never once in any of those seven years did anybody call me Officer John. Hell, I became a U.S. Senator, two terms even, and nobody referred to me as Senator John. But you fuck *one* goat and......"

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El Vez
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Postby El Vez » Sat Apr 29, 2006 10:17 am

Guy goes to see his doctor and say "Doc, I'm worried. I think my wife has either TB or VD but I don't know which."

The doctor thinks about it for awhile and then replies "Chase her around the room a couple of times. If she coughs, fuck her."

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Fri May 05, 2006 8:51 am

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick

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Gillibeanz
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Postby Gillibeanz » Fri May 05, 2006 9:19 am

WSS : That made me spit my coffee out!! :lol:

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."

An elderly married couple go to the doctors as the man has been feeling unwell. The doctor says to the old man "Im going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample from you". The old man turns to his wife and says "whats he say?". The old woman shouts "He says he needs to look at your underpants!".
COME ON YOU SPURS!!

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Thu May 11, 2006 7:21 am

A woman brought a very limp parrot into the vet's office. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?'

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then look at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said 'I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead.' He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$300!' she cried. '$300 just to tell me my bird is dead?!'

The vet shrugged. 'If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $30, but... what with the Lab report and the Cat Scan....'
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martinfoyle
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Postby martinfoyle » Thu May 11, 2006 7:32 am

http://www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Co ... 37,00.html

I have mentioned before how all jokes must, by law, be passed and vetted by Barry Cryer, our national gag hub. What I like about Bazza's jokes is that they are often totally off the wall, quite surreal. Some people laugh dementedly; others just don't get them at all.

By way of an experiment here is the latest, told to me by one of Barry's friends: a chap sits on a train opposite a little old lady. As soon as they leave the station, she takes a Bible out of her handbag and reads it intently. When they arrive at the next station, she tucks it away, then takes it out again as soon as the train is on the move. At the next station, the same happens, and so on to the end of the line.

"Excuse me," he says, "I can't help asking. Why do you read your Bible only when the train is moving, then put it back in your handbag when we stop?" She looks at him and says, "Why don't you just fuck off?"

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Thu May 11, 2006 7:33 am

:D :D

Like that one!!
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Tue May 16, 2006 1:07 pm

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some. So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rainforest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says:"Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkk dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick

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El Vez
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Postby El Vez » Tue May 16, 2006 1:08 pm


martinfoyle
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Postby martinfoyle » Thu Jun 01, 2006 8:38 am

http://books.guardian.co.uk/hay2006/sto ... 41,00.html

-Margaret Atwood, a Hay favourite, did not disappoint her fans yesterday. After reading from her new story collection, The Tent, she told a Canadian joke. "A prostitute is having a weekly special. She will do anything for $100 as long as you say it in three words. A Frenchman comes and says, 'Anything I want? Suck my toes.' She does it, and money is exchanged. An Englishman comes and says, 'Spank my bottom.' Done. A Canadian comes and says, 'Anything I want? Hey! Paint my house.'"

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Who Shot Sam?
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Postby Who Shot Sam? » Mon Jun 12, 2006 4:23 pm

Dubious facts...

- candy cigarettes are just as harmful as real cigarettes
- Scientists who've been studying pigeons say they're definitely up to
something.
- in the late 1920s, the Periodic Table of the Elements briefly included
Paprika.
- in Denmark, it is illegal for two members of the same family to own
the same shirt
- the first material used in breast implants was cookie dough
- in Westchester County, New York, there is a barber named Tony DeBarber
- A significant majority of birthday wishes involve lesbians
- radio industry researchers have found that office productivity doubles
on 'Two for Tuesday'
- Most Americans wish they had more than one rake
- 39% of American income is spent on onions
- After Bingo, the second most popular recreational activity at Senior
Centers is leg wrestling.
- you can be arrested by the postal authorities for licking
self-adhesive stamps.
- At any given moment, some 20 million American men don't realize their
fly is down
- 75% of fisherman say they'd rather not be fishing.
- the fastest animal in the world is the chicken
- the first telephone number in history was "2"
- the llama is the only animal that saunters
- there's never been a Jewish person named Vince
- at a party in 1856, Abraham Lincoln and Pope Pius IX accidentally left
wearing each other's hats
- Once every 15 minutes a drunk guy calls a radio station and requests
Aerosmith
Mother, Moose-Hunter, Maverick

invisible Pole
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Postby invisible Pole » Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:31 am

A manager of a Berlin brothel said this about the anticipated surge of customers during World Cup :
"Sadly, not as many people came as we expected".
If you don't know what is wrong with me
Then you don't know what you've missed

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verbal gymnastics
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Postby verbal gymnastics » Fri Jul 07, 2006 8:23 am

Did the brothels take a bit of a spanking then?

My favourite joke is

Q. What's the difference between an egg and a w*nk?

A. You can beat an egg!
It’s such a shame you had to break the heart you could have counted on

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Otis Westinghouse
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Postby Otis Westinghouse » Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:06 pm

One for the Spanish speakers/readers:

*DATOS del estudio*

*1.* En Japón, donde se consumen muy pocas grasas, el
índice de ataques al corazón es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

*2.* Por otro lado en Francia, donde se consume
mucha grasa, también el de ataques al corazón es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

*3.* En la India, donde apenas se bebe vino tinto, el
índice de ataques al corazón es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

*4.* En España, donde se bebe demasiado vino tinto y
se come demasiado chorizo, el índice de ataques al corazón es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

*5.* En Argelia, donde apenas se hace el amor, el
indice de ataques al corazón es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

*6.* En Brasil, donde se hace mucho el amor, el
indice de ataques al corazón es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.


*CONCLUSIONES del Estudio:*
BEBA, COMA Y FOLLE TODO LO QUE PUEDA, QUE LO
QUE MATA ES HABLAR EN INGLES
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more

ice nine
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Postby ice nine » Fri Jul 07, 2006 9:17 pm

Here's a golfing joke:

Jesus Christ and Moses are golfing.

On the first hole Moses hits the ball well. Jesus steps up and says, "Look at me. I'm Tiger Woods." He then hits it into a lake. Jesus asks Moses to part the waters and get the ball. They play through. On the second hole Moses hits a nice shot. Once again Jesus says, "I'm Tiger Woods" and hits it into a lake. Again he asks Moses to part the waters and get his ball. Moses does it and they finish the hole. On the third hole Moses has another nice shot. Jesus approaches the tee and Moses tells Jesus that he is sick of getting Jesus' ball so he should hollow out the ball so when it lands in the water it will float and Jesus can retrieve his own ball. Jesus does as Moses says and says, "I'm Tiger Woods" before he hits it into the lake. The ball floats so Jesus walks on the water to get the ball.

While Jesus is out on the water another guy comes by and says to Moses, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think that you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt
- M. Twain

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so lacklustre
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Postby so lacklustre » Sat Jul 08, 2006 3:25 am

NEWS: Saddam Hussein has been sentenced to death by firing squad.

He has been granted one last request that he can personally choose the firing squad.






He chooses Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards.
signed with love and vicious kisses

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verbal gymnastics
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Postby verbal gymnastics » Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:40 am

:lol:

And he could let Lampard have more shots than anybody else :lol:
It’s such a shame you had to break the heart you could have counted on

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Gillibeanz
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Postby Gillibeanz » Mon Jul 10, 2006 1:48 pm

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, “For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in.â€
COME ON YOU SPURS!!


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