I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

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A rope leash
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I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Wed Sep 09, 2009 6:39 pm

Here I am, watching it all flitter away.

This is probably the worst depression I've ever encountered. I'm not finding a dime's worth of inspiration in it. She left me and all along that's what I was wanting. Why did I want that?

The internet has been down, so I've done some reading. I'm going to tell you this, but it's just between you and me, okay? I kept seeing myself in Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground. The jerk in that book is just like me. It's mesmerizing.

Just before the book ends, the jerk stops telling his story and asks a question, for no reason. I read the question, and laughed like a madman.

Which is better, cheap happiness or exalted suffering?

Well, I have to tell you, as for reading, I'd prefer the suffering. As for life...well, if one never suffers, one never learns.

So, she's gone, and I don't need all this house. I don't need any of this, really. I've always been able to entertain myself. I got rid of that job. I couldn't afford it any longer. I'm renting this place out to a family with a new baby.

Not that I haven't seen her. She comes back from time to time to collect her things. This has become a slow process of extraction...she takes some stuff, and I vent some anger.

The anger surprises me, because I know this is the right thing. You know me, you always have. I've never tolerated fools...meaning mostly that I've never tolerated the human race.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised now that I'm so totally alone, and feeling it. I thought that was what I wanted. Now I'm beginning to understand what being totally alone really is...I'm the youngest of my siblings, and I'm wifeless and childless. Chances are I'll die without anyone.

But, dying is what frightens me about this depression. I just cannot imagine myself committing suicide, at all. Let's be honest...I'm way too good-looking for that mess. But, more so than any other depression I've been through, I want this thing to be over. A new job, a new girl, a new life...it just doesn't seem to be a cause for hope...I'll muck that up, too. The more I learn about things and people, the more I hate things and people. I don't want them to die or go away...I just want them to correct themselves. It isn't going to happen.

So, you're probably saying to yourself "this guy needs help". Ha-ha, old rope needs help. Frankly, I'd talk to a VA shrink if I wasn't afraid he'd put me on some pharmaceutical. I quit smoking weed so that my fluids would clear out enough so that I'll be acceptable to the corporate slave masters. Fuck if I'll accept some other dope...we all know that shit ain't safe...and besides...I've no money, honey.

Booze, well...good old booze...that and a gun would probably put an end to this whining.

I've put together a book of poems, a book of stories, and a book of letters and essays. The letters and essays are wrapped in a mean theme and arranged to tug at the heartstrings...specifically, mine.

I've called old friends, and cleaned up old dusty piles all over the acreage here. I've made a yard sale of it, and over this past holiday, I had a moving sale. I'm not quite sure where I'm going. Somewhere, I think.

I got screwed on most of it. Some guy wondered if I'd take five bucks for my microwave. 5ive bucks! Fuck no, ten. There's no shortage of vultures on a dead soul.

Hastings gave me eight bucks for my Green Day, but only fifteen cents apiece for Matthew Sweet. I bought some lunchmeat and had a sandwich.

I gave her all the Elvis. I had pretty much all the CDs from My Aim is True to Momofuku. She's the only gal I ever had that came to love Elvis as much as I have.

I hope it drives her new guy shithouse crazy.

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rope rope the misanthrope

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mood swung
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby mood swung » Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:41 am

hi, rope. hugs to you.
Like me, the "g" is silent.

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Thu Sep 10, 2009 5:26 pm

Sympathy for the Devil, mood...?

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Thanks...honestly...it means a lot!

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pophead2k
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby pophead2k » Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:08 pm

No one should presume what someone else is going through.....but this too shall pass. I've been through divorce, death, a volcano, earthquakes, a hurricane, and two Bush administrations. You're adding too much to this mucky world to even think about not continuing. As Dan Rather used to say......"Strength".

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Thu Sep 10, 2009 8:26 pm

Yeah, pop, I know.

I haven't suffered near as much as even most people on the planet have. There's absolutley no real reason to be so down, life goes on, and yet...

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...there's still an appeal to early death, especially for the creative types. It's not so much that I want to die, but that I don't wish to continue. It's the old what's the point argument.

I've been reading H.G. Wells' The Outline of History. I've had this tome around for decades, and I've always been afraid of it. It's really not so difficult...actually it's fascinating.

One of the major points made early on in this book is the known limitations of life-producing environment. It's this planet, basically, on the surface, a few miles into the atmosphere and few miles into the ocean. For the vast majority of its existence here, life was confined to the seas and shorelines only. The fact that it has spread across the globe, and that mankind has flourished, is a simple matter of chaotic chance...a cosmic lottery that life has won...we've been in the midst of a huge party that's lasted quite some time, you know.

It's gotta bust up sometime, and then it will mean what to whom?

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scamp
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby scamp » Sun Sep 20, 2009 11:28 am

First off let me say, thank you for sharing. One thing that I find funny is that I am the only one divorced in my family and the only one that doesn't have grey hair.

Maybe you just need a bit of stupid.
Here is a jewel from the archives:
It was very cold that Sunday morning in North Carolina and we found our pool had froze over. I knew it was Sunday because we were getting ready to leave for church. We had never seen anything like it. I don't know who's idea it was to test the ice but since I was the smallest I found myself on top of the ice. The rest of the kids were around the pool and I was sitting on my knees near one edge. "How thick is the ice?" I heard someone say and then I was given a push. I slid to the other edge of the pool. Well, I was convinced, it seemed safe enough. So I stood up and put my hands out and I can't remember what I said exactly or did it really matter because at that instance I fell through the ice. The things you do to get out of Sunday school. For that Sunday anyway. After being pulled from the pool and warmed up, we did make it to church that day.

Don't stop writing about how you feel even if it seems mean. That's how you feel get it out. Howl, scream, whatever it takes. We are passionate creatures we should not suppress that which makes us alive.

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Sun Sep 20, 2009 6:14 pm

That's very nice of you, scamp...to recognize my writing as it is, a form of self-therapy. It's also nice of the Spookys to provide this space for the display of my mental throes. What's the use, I often say, of writing something if you can't pin it on a wall somewhere?

That's good, scamp...a little story of how you thought it was cool just to find out it was cold. I've seen before how a little scrape with death can slap someone out of a situational depression. There's nothing quite like death to make a life seem real.

As I said, though...it's very tough this time. All this stuff that's going on in my life really isn't all that extraordinary for me. Breakups, unemployment, loss, addiction, madness, misanthropy...it's all part of the bag for a rope leash. I am quite used to it, and quite sick of it.

The difference this time seems to be that I am actually quite happy with myself as I am. It's others that aren't happy with me, and others that I am not happy with.

I'm reading now about the Punic Wars...ancient wars between the differing empires of Rome and Carthage. It's much the same as it is now...patriotism, greed, ignorance...the patricians misguiding and leading the plebes into destructive behaviors abhorrent to anyone with a lick of compassion, all for the gain of material resource and fleeting historical glory.

What do we learn from history?

How to do it again...

Well, it took a few decades, but Rome finally burned Carthage. And what is Rome, now?

A tourist destination.

You see, it isn't so much that I can't tolerate mankind so much as it is that mankind cannot tolerate me. Nor should it, I suppose. Men do what they do because it is their nature to do so. Animals often ostracize or destroy the abnormal among them, and the mutation never gets a chance.

Animals often go extinct.

You know, it's not so bad...some good folks are moving into my house, and I've gotten a bite or two on my resume. I can go back to my ex, or stay with my sister...so you see, I have a choice of drunken, cigarette-smoking racist women as companions.

What I really need is to find a group of kindred spirits. I suppose it could happen. The gal that left me, you know, wasn't just my girlfriend but my only friend, and even she wasn't so sure about me. I've been depressed about lovers leaving before, and even though I might not have ever been madly in love her, I can honestly say she's the only woman I've ever known that was really worth killing myself over. A good person, you know...really good, not phony good...good for the right reasons, good because that is the way to be, naturally.

No offense intended, I suppose, to all you righteous members of the human race out there. I understand that you can't help what you are. Just do me a favor and stop thinking you're all that...we're only a few hundred generations from our cave days, and only a small amount of mistreatment will turn us back into barbarians.

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Hell is other people. - Jean-Paul Sartre

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mood swung
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby mood swung » Mon Sep 21, 2009 9:53 am

Animals often ostracize or destroy the abnormal among them, and the mutation never gets a chance.

rope, rope the anthropomorph. be careful there.


Just do me a favor and stop thinking you're all that..


Nobody here thinks they're all that, except for maybe Otis, because of his delusional state of fandom.
Like me, the "g" is silent.

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Mon Sep 21, 2009 2:21 pm

Yes, yes, I am completely full of shit! Why must you always call me on it?!

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Sure, of course, absolutely...everyone here is completely innocent. That's why I post this crap here...because you people understand!

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby mood swung » Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:42 pm

wow, those are some scary teeth!


and I never call you on anything, buster.
Like me, the "g" is silent.

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:43 pm

What?! Never?!

O...I thought you did...

...anyway I wish you would. I'm lonely and need someone to talk to.


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...and paranoid, and depressed, and delusional, and maybe a little ugly on the side.

And bored!

O my God I am so fuckkking bored!

Buster?!

You just made me pull my pants up...

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Otis Westinghouse
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby Otis Westinghouse » Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:12 pm

mood swung wrote:Nobody here thinks they're all that, except for maybe Otis, because of his delusional state of fandom.

Explain! Not quite at home with the 'all that' phrase (all that what?), but what does a delusional state of fandom have to do with any of this? I'm deluded into naivety cos I like stuff? Life has many dark aspects, so it's good to make the most of the brighter ones. As Morrissey sings in the beautiful (here comes more delusion) 'Mama Lay Softly On the Riverbed', sung to his dead by self-drowning mother:

Life is nothing much to lose
It's just so lonely here without you, mama
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:24 pm

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Watch it, buster!

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby mood swung » Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:35 am

My second son was nicknamed Buster in utero. He has rather grown into the name.

Otis, I was just making fun of how you bask in the reflected glory of That Team. Never dreamed you'd actually read it. :lol:

House was AWESOME last night.
Like me, the "g" is silent.

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:33 pm

Heck, I thought maybe we was getting a bit of a row started here...

No?

Well, then...let me start something else since I'm feeling better...here's a salute to all those famous writers born during the last ten days of September! Upton Sinclair, F. Scott Fitzgerald. T. S. Eliot, William Faulkner, H. G. Wells, Truman Capote, Stephen King...heck even William Lisle Bowels and Horace Walpole.

Ah...that good old Virgo-Libra cusp! Tasty! Lots of good musicians born during this time, too...many of which are often mentioned here!

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...and me, of course!

Here, for a limited time only during my birthday drunkeness, I give you a small piece of my cake.

It's a little story about a horse named Buster...

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:36 pm

>deleted<

You missed it, buster...try this...

www.ironictimes.com
Last edited by A rope leash on Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:35 pm

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby Otis Westinghouse » Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:13 pm

Good pic. Will need to find time for that story. Happy birthday! My youngest is today, Sept 23 - the famous writers seem to be in the following days, but 23 = The Boss, Coltrane, Ray Charles, Micky Rooney and, ahem, Julio Iglesias.

http://www.famousbirthdays.com/sep.html#23

Nothing delusional re my fandom: I love them, they're brilliant. Simple equation.
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:17 pm

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby bambooneedle » Sun Oct 04, 2009 6:21 am

What the fuck is going on Rope? i just can't have sympathy for self-pitying fools, they're just too commonplace. Reinvent. There's nothing I can say via this medium that I could suppose would make any difference to you.

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:40 am

Did you just call me a fool?!

This thread was placed here by me for your amusement. There's nothing funnier than someone's else's misery...

If you can't feel sorry for yourself, you probably don't love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you probably don't love anyone.

I'm off to California today...how's that for "reinventing"?

Wish me luck.

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby bambooneedle » Sun Oct 04, 2009 3:37 pm

It's not - wherever you go there you are...

I'll decide what is funny, and what is "feel" and "sorry" and "self" and "love" and "fool"...that's how I mean reinventing. It happens all the time and doesn't have to have anything to do with the gawking gaze of random voyeurs.

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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby Mr. Misery » Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:58 pm

Best of luck, Rope.
ImageImage
I've had you so many times but somehow I want more.

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Otis Westinghouse
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby Otis Westinghouse » Mon Oct 05, 2009 6:30 pm

bambooneedle wrote:wherever you go there you are...

Didn't know you too were a fan of Cambridge's finest The Broken Family Band

Wherever You Go
Wherever you go, there you are
And when you come back you are what you do
Wherever you go, there you are
And when you come back you are what you do

Welcome home, loser
You let us down again
Welcome home, loser
You let us down again

Between here and there is rarely what you need
But if you find what you want take it where you can
There's more to life than books, you know, but not much more

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A rope leash
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Re: I GAVE IT ALL AWAY

Postby A rope leash » Wed Oct 07, 2009 10:59 am

Well, there I went, and here I am. I made the trip in about 34 hours. It wasn't fun...windy, foggy freeze in Wyoming, truck crash, endless highway construction through Nevada and the Sierras.

Nice weather here, though. I'm hoping it works out.

Thank you for the song, Otis...I almost remember that. Thanks to you, Mr. Misery, for the good luck charm. I think you probably understand me better than our old friend Bamboo...

...and I'm sorry, Bamb...but no one decides what is funny. "Funny" strikes. You laugh or smile or you don't. One can only decide afterwards if it is appropriate. Also, I cannot see how one can change what "sorry" or "feel" is. These words have definitions, and while we may alter the connotations for our personal uses, we cannot change the denotations. Any changes made upon these words will only make sense to the individual making the changes, and any such reinvention will be simply personal, and quite moot. In short, I don't understand what you are saying. Wherever I go, there I am, and I am what I am, even after reinvention.

Perhaps what you did not catch is the facetiousness upon my declaration of this thread's entertainment value. There is really no reason for this thread other than the spilling of my personal distresses. I am more than glad to have elicited the responses, though...and I actually "feel" much better now. "Feel", that is, in the widely accepted sense, not in any reinvented sense that no one but a rope leash could understand...


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