late night insomniac ramblings

This is for all of your writings, songs, pictures or however else you feel like expressing yourself. Have at it!
Post Reply
User avatar
costellopunk
Posts: 124
Joined: Fri Jun 06, 2003 4:35 am
Location: recovering in corpus christi, tx

late night insomniac ramblings

Post by costellopunk »

andi's asleep upstairs
and i am typing this

she needs her rest

i'm not particularly tired
so i'm writing
hunched over this keyboard
like a genius over a piano
(minus the genius)

digging isaac brock's slurred drawl
as the wine starts to set in

-the universe is shaped exactly like the earth/if you walk a straight line you'll end up where you were-

i can feel my face blushing into a smile

my brother is upstairs with his friends
eating pot brownies
and listening to rap music

something i could never really get into

i don't feel i relate to their plight

morbid thoughts on this hot night
(bits of thompson floating through my brain
and leaking out my fingertips into the keyboard)

there is a scene from slaughter house five
that tends to swim around through my brain
on these late nights

billy pilgrim visits his mother in the hospital
and she starts asking, "how?....how?...
how did i get so old?"

i find this heartbraking

the scene can send me into a full on panic attack
my breath becomes shallow
my chest tightens up
i turn pale and start sweating
and my veins feel like icy death

i stopped reading vonnegut before bed

this can be read as a fear of death i suppose
but i'm not afraid of death

i know it will happen someday
and i don't fear it

its the getting old and frail that i'm afraid of

i have told andi that i will die screaming
she always asks why i say that
and i always answer her the same way,
"because i'm going to be so bitterly dissapointed with myself for dying"

she wants me to take better care of myself
which is sweet
i find it very comforting that someone wants me to be around

something about being this close to twenty five
a quarter of a fucking centuy old
is utterly unbearable

i had a dream that i think related to this antsy feeling
i just can't ever seem to give a name

in the dream i am diagnosed by a doctor
who looks like the preist at my parent's church
with cancer

the cancer is incurable
because it is cancer of the soul
medical science is not able to cure cancer
when it is in an intangible organ

no chemo
no surgery
just death in my future

i go around telling everybody i have cancer
and no one really cares

and everyone is a caricature
of what they are like in real life
distorted and cruel

which stabs at me because i know
that no one i know has a cruel bone in there body

i wake up like a car crash
sweating and exhausted

but andi's here
sleeping undisturbed

i don't know if she is prepared for my manic phases
or my temporary lapses into defeatest nihilism

i don't think she's seen how bad i can get yet
and i don't want her to

i want to find a peace

i want to accept this life for what is
a beautiful if impossible proposition
and when i die and find out the punchline
to the cosmic joke
i'm sure i will be thankful and laugh my ass off
-it takes a long time but god dies too/but not before he sticks it to you-
User avatar
Poppet
Posts: 939
Joined: Tue Jun 03, 2003 7:49 am
Location: Boston, MA USA

Post by Poppet »

dude, have i ever told you i love you?

'cause i do.

though andi has nothing to fear from me. it's a platonic love i feel for you, honest. :) really!

life gets better. it gets better and better. someday i expect it to get worse, but i'm 39, and it hasn't really started downhill yet.

oh, it will. but, it hasn't yet. yay!

i like your poetry. i'm not that great at analyzing stuff, but i know what i like.
... name the stars and constellations,
count the cars and watch the seasons....
Post Reply